The Extra Person In Every Relationship.

When we think about relationships—whether friendships, romantic partnerships, or even work collaborations—we often frame them as a dynamic between two individuals: you and me. We consider each person's needs, personalities, communication styles, and boundaries. And while that’s essential, there’s something often overlooked: the relationship itself is its own entity—a third party that exists between us.

This shared space—the “we”—is not just the sum of two people, but a living thing that requires its own kind of care, attention, and intentionality. It has its own health, its own needs, and its own energy. And just like any person in the relationship, it can thrive, suffer, or even be neglected.

Why the Relationship Itself Matters

When we focus solely on individual wants—“What do I need?” or “What do you want?”—we risk operating in parallel rather than together. We end up with people doing life side by side, but not truly with each other. But when we start to ask: “What does the relationship need?”, everything changes.

That question opens the door to collaboration, compromise, and deeper presence. It invites each person to step out of only their own experience and to invest in something mutual. It asks both parties to think not just about what feels good for them individually, but what sustains and strengthens the connection as a whole.

Signs the "We" Is Being Neglected

• Decisions are made by one person rather than mutually.

• One person regularly accommodates while the other rarely adjusts.(attachment styles can influence this)

• Time spent together feels routine or disconnected.

• Needs are expressed but not received or responded to.

• There’s little reflection on how actions affect the connection itself.

In contrast, when the relationship is treated as something both people are responsible for—it leads to greater emotional safety, clearer communication, and a sense of shared purpose.

Nurturing the "We"

Caring for the relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself—it means expanding your awareness.

• Being open to doing something that’s more for the other person, because it benefits the bond.

• Checking in not just about how you are, but how we’re doing.

• Making decisions that aren’t just self-serving, but relationship-serving.

• Recognising when imbalance is creeping in—and naming it with care.

A Living, Shared Space

Think of the relationship as a garden you both tend. If only one person waters it, or if neither takes time to pull the weeds, it won’t grow. But if both people contribute—sometimes in different ways—it becomes a space where connection can deepen and resilience can build.

Whether in a friendship, partnership, or team, remembering the “third party” can be a quiet but powerful shift. It reminds us that relationships don’t just happen—they’re co-created. And the we is worth showing up for.